dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
