From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
