she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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