I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
