her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
