My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
