she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She bit a glass in half.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
