Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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