Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
