Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
