Moan for me like Helen Keller
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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