alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
