Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Boobs speak an international language.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
