You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
