everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
