You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i think i just lost a toe
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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