I will die if light touches me.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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