its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
