Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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