I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
