my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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