is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
