I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
