I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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