It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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