Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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