I am spending my child support on dildos
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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