It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
