If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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