he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
