apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
