I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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