and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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