thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
