we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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