I could have mohawked her pubes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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