It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
