ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my shit smells like andre
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
