I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
