Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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