so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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