When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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