Nicole vs. Life
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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