Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
