Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
