Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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