you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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