i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
