You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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