I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
