Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
