Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think I died a long time ago.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
