Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
