According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
