I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
