i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
