I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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