Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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